Okay, I don’t know what the fuck movie I just watched, but it definitely wasn’t Tarzan. Sure, it has a buff guy named Tarzan. Sure, the majority of this film takes place in a jungle. And yeah, every now and then, this buff guy screams “Ohhhhh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh ohhhhhhhh!!” But, truth be told, there’s absolutely nothing Tarzan-y about The Legend of Tarzan at all.

In 1999, I watched what was, at that time, one of the greatest animation films of all time. Today, Tarzan (1999) is still one of the greatest animation films of all time. Brilliant storytelling, brilliant lessons, brilliant action sequences, BRILLIANT SOUNDTRACK – Phil Collins! Not just that, it also comes with some great comedic moments. That is what TARZAN is about. Not this bullshit. The Legend of Tarzan is so self-serious, so mundane, and unfortunately, terribly boring. The kinda boring where one minute you’re watching Christoph Waltz doing his Christoph Waltz thing, the next minute, you’re day dreaming about that one time where your friend successfully changed your computer’s DNA (or whatever the fuck it’s called), and now you can log on to Red Tube again. Great success!

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The Legend of Tarzan, written by Adam Cozad and Craig Brewer, and directed by David Yates, is about diamond smuggling, African slavery and honour. Or at least, it desperately tries to be. In reality, it rides swings a fine line between disappointing hardcore fans and disappointing everyone. The screenplay is very much like Taylor Swift’s vagina: Loose. Christoph Waltz needs diamonds and use it to buy an army from some rich grandpa. That way, he’ll be able to run his own country. But only some tribe’s chief has said diamonds. In order for Christoph Waltz to get the diamonds from the tribe’s chief to buy an army to run a country, he must first bring back Tarzan who is now the richest motherfucker in England, because his dead parents were apparently super rich. Back to the jungle because fuck this shit. Cut the crap. Seriously? How about Tarzan vs Cheetah instead?

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I’m all for re-imagining and modernization. I’m all for taking a simple premise and making it something else entirely. Heck, one of my favourite movie(s) of all time – The Dark Knight Trilogy – is exactly that. Christopher Nolan took the most popular superhero of all time, Batman, and grounded it in reality. Style was replaced with functionality, and surprisingly, not only did it work perfectly, it also kick-started a whole new era for comic book movies. The Legend of Tarzan, not so much. The whole thing is a convoluted drab. Watching it, I didn’t care about anything at all. Not a single moment, not a single character. When dramatic sequences happen, it didn’t mean anything. Tarzan is losing? Who cares. Jane is in jeopardy? Whatever.

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For a movie that tries desperately to be deep – the colour grading suggests that it’s REALLY DESPERATE – all the characters are thinner than a starving African child. Christoph Waltz is a moustache twirling villain, Sam Jackson is like an amateur trying to imitate Sam Jackson from a Tarantino film. And the only character development Tarzan and Jane get are through brief flashbacks that pop-up throughout the film. Funny thing is, the flashbacks, which are sorta like the events that take place in the 1999 animated movie, is the best part of The Legend of Tarzan. So, why on earth couldn’t Warner Bros just make that movie instead?

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Calling this an absolute shit show wouldn’t be fair. There are some cool moments in this film. For one, Margot Robbie as Jane is entertaining to watch. Sure, her character is paper thin, but she carries it with such conviction, it’s actually pretty entertaining to watch. There’s just a certain charm about her. I can’t wait to watch her in Suicide Squad come this August. And, there are some cool action sequences in this movie. Tarzan swinging around on vines looks pretty badass – though not as badass as the animated movie. Interestingly, although there are some pretty entertaining action scenes, the visual effects here mostly suck really bad. There is a scene where Sam Jackson interacts with an Ostrich and even the idiots that made Fucktastic 4 would get a good laugh out of it.

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Okay, I’m gonna stop right here. I’m done writing about not-Tarzan. Seriously, it’s not. This could have been called The Legend of David for all I care. Heck, perhaps it would have made more sense. The Legend of Tarzan is NOT TARZAN! THIS IS TARZAN:

Important disclaimer: Read or suffer 2000 deaths!

As I’ve written more and more reviews, the whole “points rating system” started to irk me. Hence, I’ve decided to start a new rating system. As follows (in descending order):

  • HIGH OCTANE ORGASM!!!
  • Take my Money
  • Worth the Shot
  • Only Watch if your Wi-Fi is Down
  • Don’t Bother, even if your Wi-Fi is Down
  • Regurgitated Ballsacks

So, when it comes to The Legend of Tarzan, you should…

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All photos sourced from The Legend of Tarzan.