Holy shit! Finally a half decent horror movie. Sinister 2 has a brilliant plot, is well-acted, and is one of those horror films where the eeriness actually gets under your skin. You know, the kind that not just makes you scream in the cinema, does not just induce nightmares, but actually causes you to never walk out of your house alone at night ever again. Sinister 2 is so fucking scary, it can turn even the most ardent non-believers into Jesus lovers. It’s that kinda movie – sure to inspire generations of horror filmmakers to emulate such finesse. Film buffs, film professors, film students and the likes, will discuss, debate and dissect this film for generations to come. BRI.LLI.ANT!
Yeah, fuck Sinister 2. It’s bad. Very bad. Ouija level bad. There was an ad before the movie started. A Tropicana Twister ad if I’m not mistaken. And the ad ended with the girl screaming, “something something p/b*** sacks!” Wait, what? Did she just say ballsacks? Nah, unlikely. Sounded more like a “P.” Pop sacks? WTF are pop sacks and what does it have to do with fresh orange juice? “Oi macha! What’s the significance of this ad to the movie?” you might ask. Absolutely nothing. But throughout Sinister 2’s less than 90 minutes run time (which is the only right decision the director/studio made), my friends and I tried to figure out what on earth the mystery word of the Tropicana Twister ad is. Anything to keep our minds off whatever the fuck was happening on-screen. Turns out, it’s PULP sacks! Duh. I think it took us like 45 minutes to figure that shit out. No wonder we’re here, at 11pm, watching Sinister 2, accomplishing absolutely nothing meaningful with our lives.
Moving on! I think there was a couple sitting a few seats away from me that kept using their phones and every 90 seconds or so, there’ll be this bright flash of light. And I swear, if it were a David Fincher movie, or literally any other movie on earth which contained just a tiny bit of legitimacy, even if it was fucking Minions, I would have totally gone ape shit on them. But hey, it’s Sinister 2. Bla bla bla. Random shit happening on screen. OOOH! Light!! I think I lost count after 15, by which the movie had reached its pinnacle of stupidity and suddenly it became sedikit interesting la.
We follow this single mom with above average acting skills and two kids because apparently it’s stated in Article 13c of the Federal Constitution that it’s against the law to make a horror movie without the usage of kids that can’t act to save their lives. I think one of the kids’ name is Dylan and we don’t know much about him except that he has some pretty cool imaginary friends. Imagine Bing Bong, only human looking, not pink and doesn’t sing. And instead of flying around in a makeshift rocket, these imaginary friends force Dylan to watch scary weird tapes (which in all honesty aren’t scary and aren’t that weird) on families being murdered. We don’t know anything else about Dylan. Oh, he occasionally wets his pants, so I guess that’s something.
Then we have Dylan’s elder brother, Zach (IMDB says so), which we know even less about. He gets pissed off because he doesn’t have imaginary friends as cool as Dylan. He wishes to chill out with Dylan’s imaginary friends but Dylan’s imaginary friends don’t think he has enough swag to hangout with them cool kids and watch stupid videos together. The angry elder brother was like, “Oi Dylan! Babi lu! Jom ah, gaduh! You and me, one on one in the backyard, now!” Zach won via knockout. As a result of said victory, Zach got upgraded to the cool kids club while Dylan gets relegated and complains to mommy.
Speaking of mommy, she doesn’t do much except hate her useless ex-husband and make furniture. There’s also a scene where she makes out (also mandatory, according to the Federal Constitution, Article 13g) with another guy which is supposedly a badass former cop turned private investigator who comes of as so not badass, at all. But hey, he gets to makeout with a not bad looking cougar, so I guess all is well.
But perhaps the best scene comes right at the end. Zach tries to go on some sort of killing spree which sorta looks like a scene from a Tom & Jerry episode. You know what’s cooler? Zach isn’t possessed or anything and he’s only 10 years old. Like yeah, he has a knife, but he’s also carrying a huge camera in one hand (my friend pointed out that he should have probably used a GoPro), so I’m sure he could have been taken out with relative ease. So why are two grown ups, one of whom is a SUPPOSEDLY BADASS EX-COP, running away from him?
Oh and if you’re wondering why I used the same picture over and over again, it’s cause the movie does exactly that, literally. Things will be happening and suddenly, BOOM, this guy appears via jump scare. This shit happens throughout the movie. IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE FUCKING SENSE! Sinister 2, ladies and gentlemen.