I began tweeting in 2011. It’s a goddamned glorified waste of time – you should try it. Nothing like keying in 140 characters to get one’s mind off that 10-mile traffic jam or 10-page office e-mail or that grade-10 hot babe/hunk.

Anyway, I hope the following selections of my tweets over the past half-year make you smile, think, righteously pissed-off, “inspired”, blahblahblah.

 

  • A website has 8 seconds to grab attention. An FB post has less than half that time. How long do public speakers n educators think THEY have?
  • Parenthood: When you rejoice whenever absolutely nothing happens.
  • Of all the superheroes, surely the Thing got the worst deal?
  • When you refuse to ‘like’ someone’s FB updates, but you refuse to Unfollow them too. #getalife
  • Unless they crap on you, it’s impossible to be pissed off by small birds.
  • The one thing which WON’T make me calm? Some suited ‘high-powered’ idiot in the paper urging me to remain calm.
  • We need a sign in university classrooms: “Responsible profanity is allowed.” #education
  • Leonardo DiCaprio is proof you don’t need a good body to become a Hollywood elite. Heck, you hardly need a body at all.
  • I’m starting to suspect that adolescents today are repelled by linear thought. #education
  • Does hawker food taste worse when you know all the stalls are owned by one dude?
  • Don’t live in the past, tense. Live in the present, perfect.
  • The natural way to learn a new language: Learn the swear words first.
  • I don’t mope. I merely dwell within a thought-field of futility and defeatism which breeds inaction and self-loathing.
  • “With great power comes great responsibility” – why is it never true the other way round?
  • The ancient Greeks talked about sirens which lured the hearts of men. Now? We just need animated cats doing weird shit.
  • Comedy is like seduction: Not trying at all may give you better results than trying too hard.
  • Never judge a book by its cover. Always let the price tag decide.
  • Ever get the feeling that literary prizes are a conspiracy started by bookshops?
  • Those who can, do. Those who can’t, blab bout why doing isn’t such a big deal.
  • Sometimes, all you want is to hear someone else say it.
  • My son told me his teacher encouraged him to get top in class. I told him to tell the teacher to totally absolutely completely take a hike.
  • How is God all-powerful? In the way He doesn’t bother to prove it.
  • Wisdom Porn: Catering to low self-esteem since the dawn of wifi.
  • A career is not the same thing as existence. ~ quote from The Gambler
  • I prefer Asshole. Asshat doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
  • You can tell a lot about someone by the jokes he doesn’t laugh at.
  • We’re not punished FOR our sins, we’re punished BY our sins. ~ Nadia Bolz-Weber
  • Never ask a manager his/her opinion on XYZ methodology. Just ask whether this person has ever worked on it. Period.
  • Why can’t I buy insurance for insanity?
  • Has any corporate leader ever said they were pessimistic about the coming year?
  • Failure always inspires speeches about ‘reality.’
  • The problem with corporate ‘black n white’ reports is that they lose the colour of human trauma.
  • I will never know that I have no need for it until I’ve bought it. #consumerism
  • Don’t try to impress your listeners with how smart you are. Instead, make them feel smart for having listened to you.
  • Biggest mistake in education: Seeing the schooling years as ‘job-training.’
  • Has anyone who’s written “Noted with thanks” ever felt thankful?
  • Yes I’m a High D. No, I don’t mind working w High D folks. What I do mind? Working w Non D ppl who act like High D.
  • Was there e-mail in Jerry Maguire’s time? Because he could’ve totally ‘Recalled’ that stupid memo.
  • I haven’t book a book in 3 months. Is that even legal?
  • Success porn is more damaging than anything you see on YouPorn.
  • You can scheme, betray, hate and oppress – just do it professionally. #corporateworld
  • That moment when you switch lanes, n the motorcyclist whom u obstructed looks at u as if u insulted his religion n parents in one breath.
  • When you get there, there is no there. #stopwastingyourlife
  • If you’re a teacher and you DON’T walk around during your classes, you’re either pregnant, paraplegic or on the way out.
  • When we’re falling in love with someone, we are often the last to know. ~ William Carpenter
  • Most overrated thing in the corporate world? Confidence.
  • Facebook should have a Work Status: Empowered, Frustrated, Damaged Goods, etc.
  • I’d love to sit next to someone who also debated which book to leave in the bag and which to bring along for the flight.
  • An overpaid employee is the best slave. ~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb
  • That moment when you realize (despite refusing to) that logic, truth and fairness have nothing to do with it. #abuseofpower #corpworld
  • The more the Rock smiles, the less I think of him as a serious actor.
  • The problem w Asian corporate culture is that it’s ‘impolite’ to call fraud fraud.
  • I gotta get better at this sarcasm stuff.
  • Something everybody knows but pretends not to: The informal/unofficial is way WAY more important than the formal/official. #corporateworld
  • Do they want more space for worship services, or are they building an indoor city? Because I can’t tell. #megachurches
  • Real winners never hide between ‘black and white.’ #leadership
  • There should be an emoji for “I’m pretending to give a shit.” #socialmedia
  • I keep telling myself to cut down on red meat, but one thing keeps ruining my resolve: red meat.
  • Thanks to my TV being out of order, I no longer waste time staring at images from a box. Instead, I merely waste time staring at nothing.
  • Each time I read the phrase ‘Malaysian-born’ I’m like dammit, so HE left us too? #jameswan
  • Why couldn’t South East Asia produce an Isaac Newton? Because they were all sitting under durian trees.
  • Earlier in my career I feel asleep during a meeting. I felt sorry then, but now I realise: The speaker should be the one to apologise.
  • Safety and victory are incompatible. ~ the founder of ISIS
  • RT means it floats my boat.
  • If I said someone looked uglier in photos, will they detect the compliment?
  • What was Jesus’ super-powers? Forgiving others. ~ Sarah Locke
  • Some bosses are so insecure they have to run to other bosses.
  • We need a car signal for “I’m thinking of turning here but I simply may not.”
  • If introverts didn’t exist, Starbucks would be fucked.
  • “Mummy, who’s that man at the door?” ~ saddest thing a workaholic dad can hear
  • I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive. ~ Henry Miller
  • Corporate tip: Focus less on “bringing in good people” and more on “removing hypocrites and frauds.”
  • The curse of humanity: That we can be all alone, not hurt anyone, and still feel utterly guilty.
  • If you must resort to citing your CV? You lose.
  • A terrible lie is that man is a rational creature. A worse lie is that he should be one.
  • And I thought Bruce Banner had issues. #JessicaJones
  • There’s no synonym for “Invest.” #CapitalismScrewsThesaurus
  • Acid test of leadership: Can you accept it when those you lead RIGHTLY call you an asshole?
  • I just ate a vegetarian pizza. That’s moderation to the extreme in my book. Heck, its borderline starvation.
  • I’m already certain that I’m right and everyone else is wrong. I just want to be more certain. #fundamentalism
  • Nobody eats or drinks during a TED talk. That’s just wrong.
  • Nothing connects and endears you to people faster than if you speak their dialect. #management #leadership
  • The language teacher’s most powerful advice: “Look it up.”
  • Outdoors, small and always with the radio on: Ramly Burger.
  • That moment when you hate receiving notifications and messages from a WhatsApp group but you can’t get yourself to exit.
  • The only thing worse than professional superficiality? Pretending to give a shit. #corporateBS
  • What the mind can conceive and believe, the body can waste its time with.
  • RT means the world is a lesser place if I didn’t.