I think we all know that one dumbass kid in class who constantly interrupts the lecturer with his condescending opinions because in his mind, he’s the smartest motherfucker on the planet, while you and your friends slowly start to get annoyed because quite frankly, he’s embarrassing himself with his not-smart bullshit. Now You See Me 2 is pretty much that annoying dumbass kid.

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Okay, pause. Let’s sprinkle some positivity over this first, before I proceed to take a giant dump on it. Did I hate the movie to the core? Nope. All the cast are brilliant. Though, I’m pretty sure their families were kidnapped, otherwise why on earth would Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Mark Ruffalo, Jesse Eisenberg, Dave Franco and Woody Harrelson act in this movie? God dammit Dash. This is supposed to be the “positive” paragraph. Okay, positives. These guys are great. I love seeing them on-screen. When they bicker with one another, it’s funny. When they speak, you listen. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to hate a movie with Morgan Freeman in it. He could sing Twinkle Twinkle for two hours straight and I would pay for that shit. Plus, Eisenberg, although totally type-cast, is one of my favourite actors of his generation. The new villain of this movie is Daniel Radcliffe (who is Michael Caine’s step son). Sure, he hasn’t been doing much since his Harry Potter days, but screw it. If you tell me Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint are the people in the Teletubbies costume, I’m buying all the Teletubbies seasons on Blu-Ray. When it comes to positives, that’s pretty much it.

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What we have right here, is one of the dumbest, laziest, most nonsensical script I’ve seen in a very long time. Sure, we have an abundance of horrible sequels screenplays. Just this year alone, we have seen Allegiant, Kung Fu Panda 3 and Ride Along 2, but at least none of these films pretended to be smart. These movies were just flat out dumb. Period. Now You See Me 2 literally carries a giant sign that reads, “I’M SUPER SMART! WATCH ME DO SMART THINGS,” for two hours straight, except at every twist and magic act or stunt it pulls, your IQ point drop by 80. By the time the end credits rolled, my IQ point was approximately negative 2000000. Stoopid is me, goat nice veli!

This movie is pretty much like the first movie. Four magicians – Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Dave Franco and Lizzy Caplan (replacing Isla Fisher) – and their leader Mark Ruffalo, are on a mission to steal something, or else bad things happen. The first Now You See Me also had its fair share of illogical moments but for the most part, it embraced its ridiculousness, kept it simple, and focused on having a ton of crazy fun. Very much like the newer Fast & Furious movies, it was an all-out enjoyable affair. Now You See Me 2 omits fun and takes the convoluted nonsense to gear 10.

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If this movie fully embraced its ridiculousness, let go of its seriousness and just had a ton of fun, it could have been one of the better movies of the year. There is a scene (woah woah, I’m about to drop some positives again) that involves the Four Horsemen trying to steal a microchip and escape security by card throwing. Beautifully directed, extremely funny, edge-of-your-seats type FUN! Easily one of my favourite movie scenes of 2016 thus far. If scriptwriter Ed Solomon and director Jon M. Chu maintained this tone and energy throughout the movie, it would have been amazing! Alas, such is not the case.

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I’m not just talking about the plot twists here, although those are pretty much like a hobo’s butthole too. Even the basic things often don’t make sense at all. These guys aren’t wizards like Harry Potter or Gandalf, as the movie will directly or indirectly but definitely repeatedly remind us. These are normal human beings who just so happen to be extremely talented at the art of deceiving people with tricks – the closer you look, the less you’ll see. At one point during the movie, the Four Horsemen practice some new trick meticulously, using “logic.” Fair enough. So, how the fucking flying fuck does Jesse Einsenberg fall on the ground in front of 200 people and TURN INTO WATER?? He wasn’t on stage, so there were no trap doors nor props. Imagine watching a street magician just snap his fingers and vanish into thin air right in front of your face! HOW??? WHAT?? I CAN’T EVEN.

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Now, I don’t expect everything in movies to be logical. Almost every single movie of this nature requires some suspension of disbelief. I’m okay with the Four Horsemen randomly hypnotising people. Sure, in real life it takes longer than two seconds to hypnotise someone, a very long time in fact, but hey, I can suspend my disbelief. When Dom and his Fast & Furious posse dive out of an airplane driving cars, I accepted it. No, loved it. Although in real life, if people did that, they would most definitely be dead, but it’s okay, I suspended my disbelief. But when a normal human being falls on the ground and turns into water right in front of your face, you’re asking me to suspend more than just my disbelief. You’re asking me to suspend my humanity. No sir, I will not do that.

Oh lord, don’t even get me started on the twists and turns. Here’s a story for you, because I’m in a storytelling mood today. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. *PLOT TWIST* Someone pushed Humpty Dumpty. *PLOT TWIST* It was one of the soldiers. *PLOT TWIST* The soldier was sent from the future. *PLOT FUCKING TWIST* The soldier is actually Humpty Dumpty from the future, who traveled back in time to push himself off the wall, so he would learn to be a better human being (or egg, however you wish label it – it’s all the same to me #equality). “What a stupid story, Dash!” Well guess what, this is less convoluted than Now You See Me 2! Those of you who want to avoid spoilers, scroll down to the last paragraph. For those of you who have already watched the movie (I feel your sorrow), let’s proceed.

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Spoiler Alert: Warning, what you’re about to read is not my attempt at an exaggerated humour. Just like the Nazi Holocaust and Cristiano Ronaldo’s abs, this is the real deal.

In the first movie, Mark Ruffalo devised a plan for 20 years, to catch Morgan Freeman, the person who sorta, kinda killed his dad. Meanwhile, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman first hated each other, then worked together to catch the Four Horsemen. In the end, Mark Ruffalo and the Four Horsemen won and Morgan Freeman goes to jail. In this movie, the Four Horsemen and Mark Ruffalo have to defeat the villainous Michael Caine and his bastard son Harry Potter. For some reason, Morgan Freeman is the only one who can help them. *PLOT TWIST* While helping them, he betrays them and helps Michael Caine instead. *PLOT TWIST* He betrays Michael Caine and helps the police officers. *PLOT TWIST* He betrays the police officers and escapes. *PLOT TWIST* He didn’t kill Mark Ruffalo’s dad as he’s Mark Ruffalo’s dad’s best friend. *PLOT TWIST* Morgan Freeman is the LEADER of the Four Horsemen and Mark Ruffalo. *MOTHER OF ALL PLOT TWISTS AND FAILED ORGASMS* JAY CHOU and his grandmother are also leaders of the Four Horsemen. #MINDBLOWN #ADumbBabyWroteThisScript

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Spoiler over and so is my life! I was kinda hoping Rajinikanth would suddenly pop up and start fighting with Jay Chou. Or a Borat, Rajinikanth and Jay Chou triple-threat match. I mean, the studio greenlit this bullshit, I don’t see why they wouldn’t greenlight a Rajinikanth, Borat and Jay Chou threesome triple-threat.

All photos sourced from Now You See Me 2.