Okay, let’s not fool ourselves here, everyone has already watched this movie. Even my great-grandmother. And, she’s dead. I don’t usually throw insults directly at my readers (this is a lie), but if you’ve not caught Train to Busan then you are undoubtedly a dipshit. There is no amount of excuses you can give me that would make me go, “Oh, if that’s the case, alright then. I understand why you haven’t watched one of THE BEST MOVIES OF THE YEAR!”

No. I don’t care if you’re sitting for final exams in accounting, engineering and law, simultaneously. I also do not care if your dog is going on a space mission to Mars to communicate with extraterrestrials which could potentially stop global warming and cure cancer. Fuck that shit. Global warming and cancer can wait. Watch Train to Busan instead.

The setup is simple. We see a dead deer, having being run over by a truck in a quarantined zone somewhere in Korea (we’re talking about the K-Pop Korea btw, not the Kim Jong-un one). Except, this lifeless deer suddenly springs to life, eyes chalk white, like when The Undertaker does his eyes thingy before his WWE matches. A deer that’s a fan of The Undertaker? Already, you know it’s going to be one heck of a movie.

Photo via: BBC News

Photo via: BBC News

Then we’re introduced to the main characters of this movie. A selfish dad who spends way too much time at work instead of attending Kamasutra camp with his wife and taking care of his daughter. As a result, his wife left him and his daughter hates him. The daughter, named Soo-Ahn – both in real life and in the movie – wants to go to Busan because… you know what, it doesn’t matter.

The point is, Soo-Ahn and her dad Seok Woo (Gong Yoo) are on a train to Busan (obviously), when shit goes down. When I say shit goes down, I mean SHIT GOES DOWN, BITCHES! You know how some movies take their time, before getting into the action? This isn’t one of those movies. Other movies have action scenes. Train to Busan has action scenes on top of action scenes on top of awesomeness in between action scenes, intertwined with more awesomeness and more action scenes. These action scenes are so badass, they actually eat action scenes for breakfast and poop more action scenes.

Photo via: The Playlist

Photo via: The Playlist

This movie went from having one zombie on board the train to a gazillion zombies on board, in under 0.3 seconds. And then this gazillion zombies start biting the other remaining people, transforming them into zombies too, and you’re like, “Nononono!!! Please no!!! RUN!!!!!” Then you shit your pants. Director and screenwriter Yeon Sang-Ho doesn’t fuck around. You have pregnant chicks running, little kids crying, teenagers with baseball bats, fat comedians with baseball bats, a business man with more BASEBALL BATS, grandmas, a useless hobo, you name it, this movie has it.

Cool thing is, this isn’t just one of those action movies like Independence Day 2 where the director thinks it looks so bloody cool and amazing, when in reality, by the end of it, three-quarters of the audience have already left the cinema. And the only ones remaining are those that are asleep, and the couple at the back giving handjobs who only watch movies cause they’re too broke to book a hotel room.

Photo via: TMDb

Photo via: TMDb

Train to Busan is gut-wrenching from the get-go. You actually feel for the characters. Not just the lead, but the supporting characters as well. When these characters are in peril, you feel for them. Almost every single scene will make your balls not just shrivel up, but disappear completely. It’s that scary. This alone would have made Train to Busan good. Thing is, Train to Busan isn’t interested in being just good. It wants to be great.

Zombies and pregnant chicks aside, Train to Busan is about individuals with different backgrounds and mentalities, putting aside their differences and coming together to face adversity. It also touches on friendship and sacrifice. Are we still human if we are selfish and inhumane? Train to Busan constantly makes you think about all these things without having to slow down, nor does it shove these themes up your ass in a forceful and unnatural manner.

Is this movie perfect? Maybe not. The acting at the start feels a little awkward at times (besides Soo-Ahn, who’s brilliant from start till end). Though, as the movie progresses, these actors seem to loosen up and get comfortable with their roles. Also, there are some scenes in this movie that do fall flat when it tries to be emotional. It’s as if the director is trying to say, “Hey people! This is where you start crying.” Only, I didn’t actually cry. I felt sad, yes, but because of a couple of miss beats here and there, it doesn’t quite reach the emotional level it’s trying to reach.

Photo via: Tucson Weekly

Photo via: Tucson Weekly

Seriously though, fuck these minor imperfections. Who gives a crap about minor imperfections when you have zombies and pregnant chicks battling each other? By the time the end credits rolled, the whole cinema smells of poo because everyone shat their pants multiple times and almost 90% of the audience members are now disabled, because not only did everyone bite their finger-nails throughout the movie, they started biting their fingers off too.

Train to Busan finds the right balance between terrifying and motherfucking amazing. Trust me, your balls are gonna be empty for a week after watching this movie.

It will most definitely cause you to have

High Octane Orgasms