When asked at the start of the year what my most looked-forward-to movie of 2016 is, without having to think twice, I said, “Suicide Squad.” And that’s saying something, considering 2016 is the year where we had Deadpool, which revolutionised the word revolutionary by taking a shit on the comic book movie genre, and Captain America: Civil War, the best damn comic book movie since Heath Ledger (RIP) blessed us with his genius in The Dark Knight.

We also had X-Men: Apocalypse and Batman v Superman v Fans v Critics to look forward to, of which both turned out to be above average disappointing affairs. Not forgetting, we still have a new motherfucking STAR WARS movie and FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM to be released soon. Amidst all of that, I was looking forward to Suicide Squad the most.

I don’t know why. Was it because I totally jizzed in my pants at my workplace, the moment I heard Joker’s iconic laugh when Suicide Squad‘s Comic-Con trailer dropped last year? Or was it because we were all finally gonna be witnessing Harley Quinn on the big screen? OR, was it because Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn was hanging from atop her prison cell, spreading her glorious ass? Probably a little bit of everything, but most importantly, bloody amazing MARKETING.

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Unlike Batman v Superman’s marketing which was nothing but a big pile of spoilery rat shit (it’s literally the entire movie in compressed in 2 minutes), Suicide Squad’s was perfect in every way imaginable. The trailers got people pumped, without actually revealing any plot threads. Bohemian Rhapsody? Get outta here. While at that time it seemed like a work of genius, upon watching the movie, you sorta realise why they didn’t provide plot threads in the trailers. Cause the movie doesn’t actually have a fucking plot. Or maybe it sorta, kinda does, but it’s absolute garbage.

People (myself included) say the writing in Batman v Superman is an incoherent mess. Well, the writing in Suicide Squad makes Goyer and Terrio’s work in Batman v Superman seem like an Aaron Sorkin masterpiece. A movie usually has a three-act structure. Suicide Squad says fuck the system! Ain’t nobody got time for that. Instead, it pretty much is just two halves: One, introduction to all the characters; two, action. Sometimes, these sorta thing works. It worked in Mad Max: Fury Road, a movie with pretty much no script at all. Here, it half-worked.

The first 45 minutes of the movie was the stuff of MADNESS! When I mean madness, I mean BEST FUCKING MOVIE OF THE YEAR MADNESS! Directed and written by David Ayer, who made Training Day, End of Watch and Fury, we’re introduced to the characters one by one in the most ridiculously awesome way possible. We’re first introduced to Will Smith’s Deadshot, who’s chilling on a rooftop, gun in hand, like a boss. He’s talking to the guy who hired him, on the phone. “You got 10 seconds to pay up, or your man is gonna live.” *Insert back and forth funny banter where Deadshot is like-a-boss-ing his way through the conversation* Guy pays him. Now, think of the coolest way you can shoot and kill someone in a 1 second window. Thought about it? Well, fuck your thoughts cause Deadshot will make your cool idea look like something Spongebob would conjure up. LIKE A BAWS!

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The same can be said for the introductions to all the other lead characters – we learn that Amanda Waller is a calculated bitch, a bunch of stuff about Harley Quinn that would constitute as spoilers, and most importantly, we learn that Captain Boomerang has a fetish for pink unicorns. Awesome stuff! Orgasms, boners, exploding penises, wet panties, you name it, it’s all in the first 45 minutes.

The Squad is sent on some mission to rescue someone. We don’t know who, but we’re told it’s top priority stuff. The action sequences are great. We see Deadshot going ape shit on some bad guys, guns blazing. Harley Quinn smashing bad guys’ heads with a baseball bat like they’re piñatas with photos of her ex-boyfriend pasted on them. Captain Boomerang is drinking beer being all funny with his pink unicorn. Good stuff, good stuff. Still totally the best movie of the year!

Then they reveal who they rescued and you’re like, “Huh? What? Okay then.” Shit made no sense whatsoever. But sure, forgivable right? The reveal makes no sense, but at least the journey to the reveal was the coolest roller coaster ride ever. But it is at around this point in the movie where I thought to myself, “Yeah… I can feel it going to shits already. Don’t fuck this up, please don’t fuck this up.” But of course, he fucked it up.

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This is probably when David Ayer’s assclown alter ego took over the writing and directing process – the man who made SABOTAGE. . I watched Sabotage a couple of hours before writing this review. Let me be very clear: WORST DECISION EVER! Why wasn’t David Ayer sentenced to 300 lifetimes in prison for making such nonsense in the name of art? I wouldn’t recommend watching Sabotage for the sake of your IQ points, but just know that it’s bad. Really bad. Suicide Squad directed by David Ayer’s alter ego, slowly but surely becomes an absolute shit show, too.

There’s this whole angle with Enchantress, who’s the villain in this movie. “Wait. What? Not The Joker?”, you ask? Hold on homie. I’ll get to that in a bit. Anyway, Enchantress. You know what I think? I think David Ayer boned an ugly hooker while writing everything Enchantress and the whole climax sequence. Not only was said hooker ugly and 92 years old, but probably also puked on his penis and stole his wallet. Well, I know you’re sad David, but no need to punish the audience for it. Enchantress is horrible. No, I’m not talking about Doomsday horrible. I’m not talking about Apocalypse horrible. I’m talking about Dr. Doom in the latest Fantastic Four movie HORRIBLE.

The climax – extensively featuring Enchantress, of course – has everything you hate about comic book movie villains and climaxes crammed into one. The all-in-one David Ayer special. Giant villain with demonic voice and giant villain’s GIANT ROBOT right-hand man. Standing around, spewing nonsense nobody cares about, inventing some sorta machine thingy that nobody knows exactly what it does. It makes buildings break and you know, something something world destruction. Explosions. Explosions. Mandatory slow mo. Explosions. More explosions. Demonic voice. Giant purposeless light beam. THE END. Horrible. Absolute garbage writing. Worst of all, it wasn’t even cool-looking.

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Any other movie, I would have spat in the drink of the person sitting next to me, left the cinema, vomited blood, and jumped in front of a moving train. BUT, this movie had some secret weapons.

Secret Weapon 1: Will Smith as Deadshot. Will Smith hardly acts in good roles or good movies anymore. Besides Concussion, which was brilliant, Will Smith’s resume over the past few years ranges from average stuff like Focus, to horrible bullcrap like After Earth, Seven Pounds and Men in Black 3. Naturally, when he was cast as Deadshot, everyone flipped their shit. Will Smith, as Deadshot? Screw that. Well, he definitely proves his naysayers wrong. Here, Will Smith is like a newly resurrected Lord Voldermort: Masterful. Deadshot is sorta like the biggest hero in the movie, which is kinda crazy considering the fact that among all the members of Task Force-X, he has killed the most. Probably because at the end of the day, he’s still trying to prove to his daughter that he’s not a complete piece of shit. This role required someone who is able to inject some heartfelt moments into the movie as well as the right amount of comedic banter, without actually making this a comedy. And Will Smith nailed it.

Secret Weapon 2: Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn. I had zero doubt that Margot Robbie was gonna be perfect for the role. Judging by the trailers alone, you know you were gonna be witnessing something special in Harley Quinn, and special it truly is. Harley Quinn is all sorts of psycho and she doesn’t give a crap at all. She’s badass and wants to kick-ass and kill people all day. But she’s also nice? And extremely funny? And sexy. By far the most complex character in the film, Margot Robbie, just like Smith, KILLS IT.

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Secret Weapon 3: Viola Davis as Amanda Waller. This is a movie where almost every single person is either bad, very bad, very very bad or, at the very least, morally ambiguous. And amongst all these bad guys, Amanda Waller is probably the worst. Screw Enchantress, Davis is so good as Amanda Waller, I hated her every single second. Genius portrayal. The kind that would send shivers down your spine. In a genre where most villainous characters are more useless than a key that opens no lock, Davis’ Amanda Waller stands out as one of the best comic book villains since Heath Ledger’s Joker.

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Secret Weapon 4: Jared Leto as The Joker. Okay, I’ve put this one away for far too long. But it is time to finally address the elephant in the room: The Joker. I hate to say this, but Joker is the most pointless character in the movie. He’s quite literally more pointless than the random extra playing the role of one of the random soldiers who eventually dies randomly because the movie requires random bodies lying around. BUT, I loved every single moment The Joker appeared on screen. That’s a testament to Jared Leto’s magnetic, mesmerizing performance. I don’t know what he contributed to the storyline, but every time he appeared on-screen, I was transported to another planet – he’s that brilliant! There is a scene where he just lies down in a circle of knives and laughs. AMAZING!

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Short aside before I continue listing secret weapons; I know words like mesmerizing, magnetic, amazing, brilliant are all loosely thrown around. But the performances in this movie are truly that. Each one of the people listed above deserve Oscar nominations, which of course they’re not gonna get cause “comic book movies” aren’t real art or whatever the fuck the grandpas at The Academy think. But believe you me, this is the stuff of magic. Even JAI COURTNEY – everyone drop whatchu doing because some legendary shit is about to be dropped – even JAI COURTNEY was good as Captain Boomerang. We’re talking about the cheap version of Tom Hardy that ruined Terminator, ruined Die Hard, and is completely forgettable in a franchise jam-packed with horrible performances, Divergent. Looks like he found his role. Good for you, mate. Just don’t act in anything that isn’t Captain Boomerang okay? Aside over.

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Secret Weapon 5: The soundtrack. I’m usually against the usage of popular songs in movies because it just feels jarring, out of place, and it takes you outta the moment. Here, it works extremely well because of the nature of the movie and the characters. The moment I heard Eminem’s voice singing, “Guess who’s back, back again, Shady’s back, tell a friend,” I knew it was gonna be the best movie of the year. Of course, I turned out to be completely wrong, but hey, that’s beside the point.

 

 

Bonus Secret Weapon: Harley Quinn’s ass. Period.

Suicide Squad is by far the hardest movie I had to rate in a long time. I actually had to think about it for three hours then sleep on it for another two. It definitely didn’t give me “High Octane Orgasms”, but is it worthy enough to “Take my Money” or is it just “Worth the Shot”? The writing is bad. As the second half of the movie progresses, it slowly but surely dives into a pool of faeces excreted by the worst of the worst of this genre. I had a shit ton of fun, though, and there are moments, especially at the start, where I genuinely believed I was watching something truly special. Thinking about it, I doubt I’ll be able to sit through the entirety of this movie after watching it a few times.

So, because of the magical first half of the film, mixed with MESMERIZING, God-like, Oscar-worthy performances, Suicide Squad is DEFINITELY

Worth the Shot

All photos sourced from Suicide Squad Official Movie Site.