Not only is Don’t Breathe a relatively short movie – running at 88 minutes – it is also a simple movie. In fact, calling Don’t Breathe “simple” would be like saying, “Mad Max: Fury Road is a movie with explosions.” No, Mad Max: Fury Road has so much explosions, it will obliterate your mind, body and soul! And, Don’t Breathe is so simple, I literally had to crap my way through this introduction.
Don’t Breathe follows a group of dickhead teenagers who rob houses just because.
Hot, Dumb, Desperate!
Member one – Smart lad: Comes from a decent family. He’s quite literally the only one who contributes anything meaningful to these robberies which makes you wonder why he even bothers to stick around with these idiots. Only midway through the movie, you realise that he desperately wants to get his dick sucked by the hot chick. Yes, there’s a hot chick, of course.
Member two – Hot chick: She’s hot, but not that hot. Like, hot enough that you’d definitely bang her if she’s naked in front of you, but not so hot that you’d bother looking for her photoshop-ed fake nudes. Her talents include being hot and friendzoning the smart guy. She prefers to suck the assclown’s dick instead. Occasionally speaks gibberish – “Once upon a time I was stuck in the trunk of my car, then a ladybug sucked my tits.”
Member three – Assclown: Does absolutely nothing except pee on the floor of houses they rob. I wish this was my attempt at humour, but it isn’t.
Anyway, this group of dickheads decide to do this “one last ride before disappearing” thingy because they’ve been watching way too much Fast & Furious. They scout this house, which has a blind old man as the only resident. Easy right? Only this blind old man turned out to be Kung Fu Daredevil trained by Ra’s al Ghul, played by Stephen Lang. If there is one thing you can learn from Avatar, it’s that you do not fuck around with Stephen Lang, bro. Not only is he Kung Fu Daredevil trained by Ra’s al Ghul, he’s also a complete psycho. Among said psychotic things include spoilers, spoilers and spoilers. The next one hour is them running around the house playing hide and seek. Blow your brains out edition.
Simple, right? Here’s the thing though. Simple does not necessarily equate to rubbish. In fact, this movie is pretty damn enjoyable for the most part.
Cool Shit in Don’t Breathe
This movie is actually thrilling. When they named this movie Don’t Breathe, they weren’t kidding. There are many moments in this movie where the three dickheads had to literally hold their breath and pray that Kung Fu Daredevil wouldn’t realise that they’re there and blow their brains out. When they held their breaths, I did too. I’ve never been this scared in a movie since the first Conjuring. It’s not just scary, it can get really stressful at times, you feel your muscles tighten even just as audience members.
This movie does a really good job of making you root for the dicks. At the start, you hate them, but then you start rooting for them, even after they make some really questionable decisions. Any movie that makes you root for the dickhead robbers instead of the blind old man, is doing something right.
Not So Cool Shit in Don’t Breathe
After a while, Don’t Breathe gets a bit too repetitive. It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on, then it goes on and on and on some more and then into the basement and then there’s this shit with a dog and a car, and I’m like, “Fuck this shit, I’m out!” But I told myself, “Hey, if the movie got so much right, probably the repetitive bullshit will end.” Guess what, it did end.
And then a plot twist, which came outta nowhere. Usually, this is where I punch myself in the face repeatedly until I go blind, but it works here. Well played, Fede Alvarez (director and screenwriter). Oops, I spoke too soon. Just when shit was about to get awesome again, the dickheads did something really illogical and stupid. So I proceeded to punch myself in the face, over and over and over again. Too bad, I couldn’t blind myself fast enough and had to witness some ladybug bullshit. I think it’s supposed to be a smart metaphor. I don’t know, who cares. It’s ridiculous.
Then the movie fucking ends.
Calling Don’t Breathe rubbish, or even below average would be unfair. When it’s scary, it’s really scary. When it’s stressful, it gets really stressful. It does have its fair share of garbage scattered all throughout, but Don’t Breathe has enough in it to keep you entertained throughout, and for that it’s definitely