IT’S FINALLY HERE GUYS!!! The biggest fight of the century! Forget Lee Chong Wei vs Lin Dan and Manny Pacquiao vs Floyd Mayweather. Forget Liverpool vs Manchester United and El Clasico. This is the big one. The battle of the ages that will stand the test of time. Bigger than Hulk Hogan vs The Rock. Screw it, this shit is bigger than World War II! Day vs Night. Son of Krypton vs Bat of Gotham! And it is a giant… LETDOWN. It’s also over-in-a-blink-of-an-eye.

But wait! Let’s all calm our tits for one second. Get your hands off the keyboard. Yeap you! I’m talking to you, Mr Keyboard Warrior. Put that God damn pitchfork away. Now’s not the time for hate… that comes later.

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Over the past couple of years, I’ve watched a couple of comic book movies that seriously pissed the shit outta me. Figuratively for Avengers: Age of Ultron, literally for Fucktastic 4. Yes, Fucktastic 4 was so horrible that I went to the toilet, whipped out my dick and SHIT actually came out through the pee hole. But believe it or not guys, Batman v Superman is not one of those movies, and this is not one of those hate rants.

Batman v Superman is, hands down, the best LOOKING comic book movie of all time. The visuals are spellbinding. And I’m not just talking about the action scenes here. Every single scene in this movie is visual perfection. In fact, among all the phenomenally filmed scenes in this movie, the phenomenal-est scene is a non-action sequence involving the murder of Bruce Wayne’s parents. It is truly a poetic scene that would inspire aspiring filmmakers everywhere.

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The action sequences in Batman v Superman are off the charts. As far as action sequences in a comic book movie goes, the first Avengers set the bench mark. The bench mark was raised in 2014 with X-Men: Days of Future Past (the action scenes that take place in the future at the climax). Batman v Superman not only increases the bench mark, it rips it apart and uses it as toilet paper. Credit is given where credit is due. Zack Snyder is undoubtedly a visionary director. Alongside cinematographer Larry Fong, Zack Snyder has proven that he’s the finest visual stylist in cinema today.

You know who else is great? Hans motherfucking Zimmer! You know what? Screw this review for a bit. I’m gonna close my eyes and listen to the Godly tune that is the Wonder Woman theme song. After that I’ll listen to the entire Batman v Superman OST!

Yeap, 20 seconds in and I already jizzed my pants! Let’s not fool ourselves, you did too. If you didn’t, then imma shove Hans Zimmer’s 21-inch penis up your ears. How do I know Hans Zimmer has a 21-inch penis? C’mon guys, someone who makes music as amazing as this, definitely has a 21-inch penis. If he doesn’t, he definitely deserves one.

If you’ve been following my articles, you know that to me, Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy is equivalent to Jennifer Lopez tied up in my bedroom, spreading her luscious buns, AKA the best shit ever. There is no doubt that I find Christian Bale’s take on the caped crusader to be top notch. However, Ben Affleck’s, is better. Holy shit! Just like how I will forever associate Hugh Jackman with Wolverine and RDJ with Iron Man, Ben Affleck is synonymous with Batman. Period. I’m not just talking about Batman with the mask on, Ben Affleck is a perfect Bruce Wayne. Bring on the rumoured solo Batman movies cause I’m 100% sold!

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And now it is time to address the elephant in the room: Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor. First, let me be clear about one thing. I am a huge comic book MOVIE fan and a huge comic book TV SERIES fan, but I have never read a single comic book in my life. Thus, I do not have a preconceived mindset on how I would like the Lex Luthor character to be. My previous exposure to Lex Luthor was through the TV series, Smallville, where Michael Rosenbaum did a great job as the character.

I walked into the cinema with an open mind and walked out thinking “Jesse Einsenberg, you the real MVP.” Eisenberg nailed it! I’m quite the big fan of Jesse Eisenberg, though admittedly, he isn’t the most versatile of actors, playing roughly the same character in every single movie he acts in. Here, he plays the same type of character again. Imagine Mark Zuckerberg from The Social Network on steroids (no, he’s not buff – you know what I’m talking about). Lex Luthor is the right amount of weird, right amount of menacing and right amount of ingenious, mashed together perfectly. Some of the lines delivered by this character will send shivers down your spine.

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The rest of the characters are mostly fine as well. Jeremy Irons is awesome as Alfred, Henry Cavill is decent as Superman, and surprise surprise, Gal Gadot actually makes an excellent Wonder Woman, and this has nothing to do with how sexy she looks in that outfit. Okay, maybe a little bit. Perhaps the most useless character in the film is Lois Lane (Amy Adams), though you can’t fault Adams’ acting but rather poor writing. Extremely poor, disastrous writing that would send the likes of Aaron Sorkin and Tarantino into cardiac arrest.

There is a point in this movie where Lois finds an object, then throws it in the water, only to realize two minutes later that the object is important. So, she dives in to pick it up, only, she almost drowns and Superman has to save her, except when Superman tries to save her, something something *INSERT RANDOM LOVE SCENE* while the bad guy destroys the city. FACEPALM!

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Batman v Superman is as good a proof as anyone is ever gonna get that you may have the best visuals in the world, you may have the best soundtrack in the world, you may have the best actors in the world, but if your script fails, your movie will fall flat. I don’t know if it’s the fault of Chris Terrio and David Goyer, or if it’s the fault of the studio (probably the studio), but Batman v Superman is one giant splat of spectacular mess.

The movie tries to juggle too many things at once. It’s a movie about Batman, which includes a brief look at Batman’s past. It’s also a movie on politics – Superman vs The People. It’s also about journalism. It’s also about Batman vs Superman and It’s also an introduction to The Justice League. It tries to choke on too many dicks at once, without making any cum. It is essentially a 2 hours 40 minutes long teaser and a dozen hanging blue balls.

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For a movie titled BATMAN V SUPERMAN, there is actually very little Batman fighting Superman. When they actually do throwdown, it is amazing to watch. From a visual standpoint, it is everything you could ever hope for and more. But you just don’t care. The reason Batman wanting to fight Superman is explored a little, but God knows what Superman’s motivations are. Heck, scenes just happen for the sake of happening and people simply do things just because. I’m not gonna spoil anything, but the reason Batman and Superman reconcile and become pals is even worse than the reason they started fighting in the first place. Believe it or not, there was only ONE FUCKING INTERACTION SCENE between Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent. ONE! In a movie called Batman v Superman! O.N.E!

This is the type of movie that should have inspired film buffs and comic book fans alike to watch the movie three times in a row, before heading to the nearest mamak for a 12-hour non-stop debate on whose principles are right – Batman or Superman. SHOULD is a very important word in that statement. Because the reality is, nobody fucking cares.

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Ultimately, the biggest crime this movie commits is calling itself Batman v Superman. It’s just a click bait title with no real substance to back it up. Hype for the sake of hype. Calling the movie Batman AND Superman would perhaps have made everything slightly more acceptable. But having said all that, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice isn’t a bad film by any means. It’s a fun film that could have been a great film. If only Warner Bros. focused on the diamond they had in their hands instead of worrying too much about playing catching up with the MCU.

Nevertheless, I’m still really looking forward to upcoming DCEU movies. I honestly believe that Suicide Squad would not only be great, but the start of something truly phenomenal. Always remember, the night is darkest just before the dawn.

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All photos sourced from DC Comics.