WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!
A few days ago, after writing my review of Batman v Superman, I posted some extra thoughts on the movie on Facebook (yes, I have a shit ton to say about this movie). Here’s what I said:
Over the past couple of days, people are led to believe that Batman v Superman is an absolute monstrous pile of donkey piss. Why? Because Rotten Tomatoes says so – Batman v Superman currently sits at 29%. In other words, more rotten than grandpa’s testicles.
Seriously guys, don’t judge a movie based on Rotten Tomatoes unless, of course, you actually clicked in and read a bunch of reviews. And when I say read I mean READ, not just scroll down and check the score.
Is Batman v Superman a great movie? Hell no. Is it absolute rubbish? Absolutely not. It’s way better than Phantom Menace (56%) and WAY better than Attack of the Clones (66%). Since we’re talking superheroes, it’s also undeniably better than Avengers: Age of Ultron. Age of Ultron was one of my first reviews on ROJAK and I gave it 4/10, calling it regurgitated ballsacks. This horrible movie has a 75% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Arguable, you say? Fine. Heard of the movie The Room (2003)? No? Good for you. Let’s just say I would much rather watch Ron Jeremy and the fat dude from Borat lick each other’s nuts than watch The Room again. The Room, regarded as one of the worst films of all time, is rated 35% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Let me be clear. Batman v Superman is not a great movie. But is it worth watching? Definitely.
Here are 5 AWESOME MOMENTS/ASPECTS from Batman v Superman:
5) The First Interaction between Bruce, Clark and Lex
This was the kinda scene we really needed more of. The interaction and chemistry between Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck), Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) and Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) was perfect, to say the least. Easily one of the most entertaining scenes in the movie.
This was the scene that made you wonder if they knew each other or not. There was some real tension brewing. You could see it in their eyes – Clark Kent hates Batman and Bruce Wayne hates Superman. Then Lex comes in to interject some humour. You laugh, but you’re also thinking, “What does this asshole have up his sleeve?” cause he’s Lex Luthor. Amazing stuff.
4) Wonder Woman
That scene when Wonder Woman landed in front of Batman and protected him with her shield while Hans Zimmer’s “Is She With You” plays in the background, caused me to go into cardiac arrest. That’s right folks, I literally died. Except in heaven, God said, “Fuck you Dash. I’m not letting you die yet. You still have to watch Wonder Woman kick ass for the next 10 minutes.” Yes, God used the F-bomb. I can concur, cause I was right there beside him when he said it.
I would like to use this opportunity to give a shoutout to God for bringing me back to life, because Wonder Woman KICKED ASS BIG TIME! I would have died again, had it not been for Stupid Lois Lane: The Tale of the Kryptonian Spear.
Gal Gadot nails the role. Really looking forward to the solo Wonder Woman movie.
3) The Action Scenes
Best action scenes in comic book movies’ history. Period. Say what you want about the climax of The Avengers. Say what you want about the climax of X-Men: Days of Future Past. Both are orgasm inducing scenes that left my mouth hanging wide open. But the action scenes in Batman v Superman is the reason I no longer even have a mouth. When Batman and Superman started fighting, my mouth dropped to the ground. When Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman fought Doomsday, I had to pick up my mouth and connect it back to my face just so it can drop on the floor again. But that wasn’t enough. So, I took my mouth from the ground and threw it in the trash can, just so I can say the action sequences in Batman v Superman are so awesome, I LOST MY MOUTH!
Do any of this make sense? Nope. Just know that I’m walking around with half my jaw not intact, because of the action sequences in this movie. #MINDFUCKINGBLOWNTOBITS
There’s only two things you can say when talking about Ben Affleck’s Bruce Wayne.
- He’s amazing but I personally prefer Christian Bale.
- He’s amazing. BEST BATMAN/BRUCE WAYNE EVER.
If you say Batffleck is complete rubbish, then look around your room. Do you see anything long, like a stick or a rod? Yes? Okay good. Now pick it up, bend over, and shove it up your ass! And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Okay, no I don’t. I’m angry. Cause Ben Affleck is THE BEST BATMAN/BRUCE WAYNE EVER.
Did you know that people actually puked blood when news first broke that Ben Affleck was cast as Bruce Wayne? Probably the same dipshits that bashed on Heath Ledger when news first broke that Heath Ledger was cast as The Joker.
Stop! Don’t say it’s a fair argument because of Daredevil. C’mon, Daredevil was 13 years ago, when Affleck himself was a dipshit. This isn’t that Affleck, this is his doppelganger, the guy that won an Oscar for directing Argo and the guy that acted brilliantly in Gone Girl. Ben Affleck did such a phenomenal job here that if he died, he would win an Oscar. Best Batman/Bruce Wayne ever and this is coming from the guy who has a shrine specially built for Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy.
Exciting news: A solo Batman movie is announced, with Ben Affleck as the scriptwriter and director. Shut up! If you open your mouth to try and complain about this, I will knock your teeth out.
1) The Opening Scene
AKA the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents. When Batman v Superman was first announced, people’s nutsacks tingled in anticipation. However, there were plenty of dipshits that immediately started bashing on the film. Yeap, that’s right, people started bashing on a film called BATMAN V SUPERMAN before BATMAN V SUPERMAN was even made. Now, you can sit there, trying to figure out why someone would bash the idea of making a film called MOTHERFUCKING BATMAN V SUPERMAN, or you can accept the fact that they’re dipshits and we can move on.
Anyway, one of the things these people were saying is, “Oh man! We have to revisit the death of Bruce’s parents? Not again. Boring. Lameeee.”
Well, 3 minutes into the movie, Zack Snyder jumped out of the screen and slapped every dipshit who even dared to think of that because that scene was THE BEST SHIT EVER. With Hans Zimmer’s score playing in the background, this scene is beautifully crafted in every way imaginable. I swear to God, the old lady beside me gave me a weird look, got up from her seat and complained to the security guard about my humongous boner. Except the security guard slapped her three times and screamed, “Shut up granny! That scene is the BEST SHIT EVER!”
Like I said, as much as I enjoyed the movie (6.5/10), it wasn’t close to being a GREAT movie. But it could have been, with these 5 CHANGES:
5) Remove Dream Sequences + Flash
I’m not saying these sequences are bad, in fact quite the opposite. If the movie is brilliant as a whole, this scene wouldn’t bother me at all. The problem is, the movie isn’t brilliant. So, this time frame could have been used to flesh out the characters and build a more engaging rivalry.
Snyder has come out and said that there’s gonna be an extended edition, with more character build up and important plot points. So, my question is, why not put the character build up and important plot points in the theatrical edition and leave the dream sequences and Flash’s appearance for the extended edition? It ain’t rocket science.
4) Keep It Focused
This movie did exactly what MCU did with Age of Ultron: tried to squeeze too many things into one movie. I shall quote (and add stuff to) my Batman v Superman review on this:
The movie tries to juggle too many things at once. It’s a movie about Batman, which includes a brief look at Batman’s past. It’s also a movie on politics – Superman vs The People. It’s also about journalism. It’s also about stopping a giant alien. It’s also about romance. It’s also about Batman fighting Superman and it’s also an introduction to The Justice League. It tries to choke on too many dicks at once, without making any cum. It is essentially a 2 hours 40 minutes long teaser and a dozen hanging blue balls.
This method will never work. If you look at Nolan’s The Dark Knight, yes, it has political themes in it. Yes, it touches on many societal issues. But the movie’s focus is Batman vs The Joker. Joker is an asshole, Batman must stop him. Done. In Avengers, they tackled friendship and sacrifice and all that, but the story is basically Avengers vs Loki.
If Batman v Superman focused on just being BATMAN fighting SUPERMAN, it would have been great.
3) Give the Movie Another Title
If someone who has no idea what the movie is about, never watched a single Batman v Superman trailer, has absolutely no idea what the title of the movie is, walks into the cinema, watches the movie, and at the end of the movie is asked what the title of the movie is, there is no way in hell he/she is answering, “BATMAN V SUPERMAN.”
That person would say, “Batman AND Superman,” “Dawn of Justice,” or maybe even “Justice League Origins.” You know why? Because this movie isn’t about Batman fighting Superman. It has Batman fighting Superman in it, but Star Wars: A New Hope isn’t called Obi Wan v Darth Vader, now is it?
The title Batman v Superman is nothing but a gimmick. A marketing ploy. Sadly, it worked, given how much money the movie made in it’s opening weekend – 166mil USD in the US alone.
2) Bring Superman back to Life
Okay, firstly, why even kill him? Everyone knows that he’s gonna be back for the Justice League movie. There is no Justice League without Superman. And if he’s gonna die, he’s not just gonna die like that. So he’s not dead, everybody knows this.
But if you are gonna go and make someone fake dead, why tease that he’s coming back to life 2 seconds after that? Why not let the audience soak in the gravitas of the situation like they did in Game of Thrones?
Jon Snow is not dead. How do I know this? Because apart from being a writer, I’m also a psychic. The creators of Game of Thrones know Jon Snow is not dead, but they didn’t tease him coming back to life just before the end credits rolled. You know why? Cause they aren’t pussies. The people at Warner Bros are. They’re worried that if people think Superman is dead, then millions of Superman fans aren’t gonna watch Justice League. No, you idiots. If Superman is dead, more people will watch Justice League on the FIRST DAY to find out whether he’s coming back to life or not.
1) Kill Martha Kent
This one is gonna be long. Where do I even begin.
Let me do a quick list on the worst things on planet earth.
4) The Holocaust
2) Rape involving children
1) How Batman and Superman became friends
There. I said it. How Batman and Superman became friends is worse than raping children. It’s not just a crime against cinema, it’s a crime against humanity. One that deserves the worst kind of punishment. That’s right, someone needs to investigate who the genius that came up with this bullshit is (I am sure it wasn’t Snyder, Goyer or Terrio), hang him, and while he’s being hanged, have the firing squad shoot his balls out, chop him up into tiny pieces and feed his remains to Hannibal Lecter.
One minute Batman hates Superman’s guts. The next SECOND, they’re pals just because their moms share the same name.
Obama: I’m gonna fucking kill you Osama!
Osama: Ann, Ann…
Obama: Why are you saying that name?
Osama: That’s my mother’s name.
Obama: Alright then. You’re good. XOXOXO. Oh and here’s the key to the White House and also the password to activating nuclear weapons.
Osama: Can I have sex with your wife too?
Obama: Of course! Do whatever you want, BEST FRIEND.
But imagine if, throughout the movie’s runtime, Lex continuously plays mind games with Batman and Superman, causing their hatred towards one another to reach a boiling point. The fight between Batman and Superman is the climax. NO DOOMSDAY.
Instead of being best friends immediately, Batman and Superman actually have a conversation first. An actual proper conversation with actual proper character development. They understand each other and we understand them. Mind you, they’re still not PALS.
Then Batman and Superman attempt to save Martha together, only for Lex Luthor to blow the whole place up. Martha dies in front of Batman and Superman. Batman and Superman go to kill Lex before Wonder Woman stops them (you know, moral code). Lex gets arrested. Clark, Bruce, Diana and Lois stand around the grave as we roll to credits.
Not only will this be a ballsy and shocking move, it would have been like two million needles to the heart. This would be bigger than the death of Phil Coulson in the MCU. Shut your mouth MCU fans, this would have been BIGGER and BETTER. It would also have made more sense for them to slowly become friends.
Okay, I’m a genius. Warner Bros should hire me. Give this writer a cookie.