Bad Neighbours 2 tries its hardest to be a feminist movie, and it succeeds, tremendously in fact, that is IF the term “feminists” refers to a weed-hungry bunch of bimbos whom are unable to get anything done without the help of a MAN whose list of talents include showing off abs and dancing while showing off abs. And no, this hardly counts as a satire, unless you consider Batman and Robin a satire of comic book pop culture, in which case, you either need a dictionary or a slap in the face. Probably the latter.

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Bad Neighbours 2 is pretty much a remake of Bad Neighbours, which is fine. I mean, I’m not sure what else I could have expected from a sequel to a movie that had no room for a sequel. So yes, there’s this couple. Same couple from the first movie. Except their baby from the first movie is now a small kid, but not just any small kid, but a kid who dresses up her mom’s dildo so it looks like a cheap-ass Barbie from Chinatown. And of course, they have neighbours. Bad ones (the aforementioned bimbos). The end.

The problem isn’t that it’s a replica. The problem is that it’s a replica without the important elements that made the first movie awesome-ish. The first movie has wacky, retarded moments – Seth Rogen slamming into the fan – but it was the movie’s heart, along with fun characters with immense chemistry, that actually made the movie the joy ride that it was. This movie takes the heart and its fun characters, and flushes them down the toilet, then multiplies the wacky, retarded moments by 1028347. The movie is pretty much just this: Someone slams into something *INSERT BORING SHIT ABOUT BIMBO FEMINISM*, someone slams into something *INSERT BORING SHIT ABOUT BIMBO FEMINISM*, someone slams into something *INSERT BORING SHIT ABOUT BIMBO FEMINISM*, black dick joke *INSERT BORING SHIT ABOUT BIMBO FEMINISM*, someone slams into something.

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Most of the characters in this movie are an absolute shit fest. We have Chloe Grace Moretz, who is uncharacteristically horrible in this movie. I say uncharacteristically, because even in the monstrous pile of rotten jizz that is The 5th Wave, she’s half decent. Here she plays some hot white girl that doesn’t wanna be hot, and instead wants to be strong and independent. Except she’s neither strong nor independent, and throws a party when a MAN pops her cherry. Chloe Grace Moretz should stick to ass-kicking and her agent should be shot dead.

We also have a black girl and a fat girl, because yay diversity. They, too, want to be strong and independent. Except they ditch their tasks and forget everything that’s important in life, when Zac Efron removes his shirt. There’s also an Asian and a weirdo. Okay, actually I can’t really remember if there’s an Asian and a weirdo, but let’s just assume there is, because that’s how all these movies are these days. I don’t know any of their names and am not gonna bother looking it up because who gives a shit?

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The only characters remotely entertaining are the ones who appeared in the first movie – Zac Efron, Seth Rogen, Rose Byrne and Dave Franco. Dave Franco appears for about two minutes and guess what? He’s gay now. Because, yay equality. Everybody else is pretty much the same.

The first movie was written by Andrew Jay Cohen and Brendan O’Brien. This movie is written by both of them plus Seth Rogen, Nicholas Stoller and Evan Goldberg. Basically, Seth Rogen and friends. Who probably wrote this while they were piss drunk, as a prank. Sadly – also probably – the studios took it seriously and Seth Rogen and his buddies decided to just roll with it. So, haha.

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Calling it an absolute failure would be a lie. I did laugh, really hard, ten times, maybe. Especially during the surprisingly awesome save-the-weed, foot chase scene. But when you’re not laughing, you’re dying. A slow, cruel, painful, terrible death. Fucking make it stop!

All photos sourced from E! Entertainment.