Holy shit!!! THAT WAS TOTALLY THE MOST INSANE CRAZY ASS MOVIE!! BEST DAMN MOVIE EVERRRRRRR! IHAVEEXAMSBUTWHOCARESIT’SAVENGERS!!!! Is what you probably expected an Avengers: Age of Ultron review to be like and in all honesty, I thought the same too. In reality though, the movie is wayyyy far off that sentence. Let’s get one thing straight: Avengers: Age of Ultron is absolute and utter crap all around. It’s so fucking terrible, that it’s so fucking unbelievable how fucking terrible the movie is.

Photo via: Avengers Media

Photo via: Avengers Media

“But how?? No way, Dashran!! You’re an idiotic nutjob!! It’s Avengers! It’s part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe! It has Captain America, Thor, Iron Man and Hulk join forces to kick some bad guy butt! Not forgetting Black Widow and that other dude that shoots arrows. Oh wait! There’s also the other two black… oops, I mean African Americans sidekicks. If that’s not enough there are like two new supers! Wait, if that’s still not enough for you, there’s Nick Fury! There’s one of the most badass villains in Marvel! There’s the freaking Hulk Buster!! And did I mention that Iron Man is played by Robert “The Fucking Awesome” Downey Jr.?”

That’s exactly my point! The casts and characters of this movie are so freaking awesome on paper that the only way this movie could be anything close to bad is if these characters danced around in Teletubbies outfits, singing the Bananas in Pyjamas theme song. Oh wait…

There are an abundance of worst things about this movie that I couldn’t even decide which is worst and which is worst-er so I’ll just be random.

Let’s start with the trailer. Much like Iron Man 3, the trailer and the movie have two completely different themes.

 

 

When I watched the trailer for Age of Ultron, these were my thoughts:

  • Ultron has got to be the most INSANE villain ever!!! Scary! I can’t wait to watch Age of Ultron!
  • OMG!! Is Captain America going to die??!! I can’t wait to watch Age of Ultron!
  • OMG!! Is Thor going to die??!! I can’t wait to watch Age of Ultron!
  • Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch???!! I can’t wait to freaking watch Age of Ultron!!
  • Holy shit! Is that the Hulkbuster??!! *faints*

After watching the movie, these are my thoughts:

  • Hmmmm…
  • Okkaaaayyyy…
  • Errr???
  • Crap
  • Poop
  • Fuck you Joss Whedon!

Then there’s the comedy so cringe-worthy you’d much rather hear the sound of finger nails scratching a blackboard. Yes, we get it. Marvel is supposed to have a lighter, more kid pleasing, fun tone compared to the all doom and gloom side of the DC world. In the first Avengers, I enjoyed the banter between Captain America and Iron Man, and between Iron Man and Hulk. I enjoyed the scene where Hulk smashes Loki like he’s a rag doll. The humour was appropriate but when it was time to get serious, the movie got serious. Not forgetting, Agent Coulson died in what has to be one of the most emotional sequences in any comic book movie. Age of Ultron though, has forceful jokes and silly one liners throughout the movie. Every freaking scene is a joke and even Ultron turns out to be a joke (more on that later). The more serious scenes and fight scenes have absolutely no dramatic effect whatsoever because one moment you have an almost-dramatic sequence but before you know it, *INSERT STUPID JOKE* followed by *CUT-TO-BLACK*. One moment you have Thor and Vision (new dude) smashing robots and the next moment, Vision and Thor discuss about Thor’s hammer’s weight? *facepalm* Fun fact: Did you know that super serious Black Widow somehow suddenly, for no reason at all, is not super serious anymore in this movie? In fact, she actually goes, “beep beep” as she rides her motorcycle.

Photo via: Gizmodo

Photo via: Gizmodo

Speaking of Ultron being a joke, seriously, did the people in charge not learn from the mistakes they made in Iron Man 3? Marvel, you make a mistake once, we forgive you; you make the same mistake again, you’re asking for a goddamn slap. People hate stupid swerves! The Mandarin swerve in Iron Man 3 is rubbish and whatever shit you turned Ultron into is rubbish as well. In the trailer, Ultron is a super serious poetic AI, hell bent or destroying everything you care about. It gave me the chills when he said, “there are no strings on me.” Maybe, just maybe, Ultron could have been the coolest comic book movie villain since Heath Ledger’s Joker. But noooooo, in the movie, Ultron is nothing but a silly little teenager, saying the stupidest of things at the stupidest of times. Every now and then, Ultron does say something incredibly thrilling only to stop halfway and crack a stupid joke. What are you going to do this time, Joss? Make another short film again in hopes of erasing your mistakes? Because in all honesty, the only way to make things right is to release a short film that goes something like this:

Tony Stark wakes up, realising that the entire Age of Ultron movie was nothing more than a dream. At the end of the short film, have words that read: “April Fools! By using the code below, you may refund the RM14 that you spent on this colossal waste of time. The real Avengers: Age of Ultron will be hitting cinemas near you on July 15th.”

Because, all things considered, Avengers: Age of Ultron is exactly that: a colossal waste of time. Then again, the post credits scene does have Ultron (this time, voiced by Joss Whedon), flash his Vibranium middle fingers to the audience saying, “Fuck you! This movie sucks but you’re still going to watch the next one. Thanks for your money bitches.” All while riding a tricycle and spewing more stupid jokes.