Yeap, my third Batman v Superman article in 3 weeks. I was thinking of writing something else, but then a bunch of crazy shit happened over the course of two weeks, that simply did not make sense. WORLD WAR III has begun people. DC bigots have sent movie critics into hiding. And the masses want Zack Snyder to be fired??

So, without further ado, here are 5 things Batman v Superman has taught us about film criticism and an out of place paragraph on Zack Snyder.

 

1. Fans vs Critics

In the wake of poor critical reception, Amy Adams has stated that Batman v Superman is a movie made for the FANS, not CRITICS. What the fuck does that even mean? Movie critics spend their days doing nothing but watch movies, read about movies and write about movies. I’m a film critic myself. Here’s a story. My supermodel girlfriend once asked me, “Hey, babe! Do you love me or The Lord of the Rings more?” and I was like, “Pfft. Easy! The Lord of the Rings all day all night.” She dumped me. Okay fine. This story isn’t true. I never had a supermodel girlfriend. I never even had a superbusted girlfriend. Probably because I spend my days and nights doing nothing but sitting on my ass, jerking off to Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy.

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What if I told you, movie critics are, first and foremost, movie FANS? #MINDFUCKINGBLOWN! Yeah sure, there are probably some dipshit critics out there that aren’t movie fans, but that applies to any profession. There are some sports pundits who aren’t sports fans and gynecologists who only chose to be gynecologists to have women spread their legs at their command. At least gynecologists make a lot of money.

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Unless you’re fucking Wesley Morris or Roger Ebert (RIP), movie critics earn so little, we’re probably one of your neighbourhood hobos. It’s not a career you wanna get into, unless it isn’t blood, but film, that runs through your veins.

 

2. Marvel-Disney Studios bribed critics? What?!

If you’re one of the people who think Marvel-Disney Studios bribed critics to bash on Batman v Superman, then you deserved to be thrown in jail and be ass raped by twenty five 7ft tall sweaty giants. This shit does not make any sense whatsoever. Just because you loved the movie and other people didn’t, there’s some sort of anti-DC agenda going on? Time to get your head outta your ass dude. What benefits would Marvel-Disney Studios get if Batman v Superman gets tanked by the critics? This isn’t an either-or situation. If people were only allowed to watch EITHER Batman v Superman OR Captain America: Civil War, then maybe this would make more sense. But this isn’t the case now, is it? I bought tickets to watch Batman v Superman on the first day. I have also already bought tickets to watch Captain America: Civil War on the first day. When X-Men: Apocalypse tickets are out for sale, you bet I’m gonna buy it immediately and watch it on the first day. Suicide Squad? That’s right, FIRST FUCKING DAY BABY.

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Whether or not DC movies are loved or hated by critics does not affect anything on the MCU side of things. There is no war – people are allowed to love both the DCEU and the MCU equally. So, stop trying to stir shit up. My favourite comic book character is Batman, but I gave Batman v Superman a 6.5/10. That’s right, 6.5/10! Not 10/10, not A++++++++++++, not 100 gold stars. You know why? Because to me, THE MOVIE WASN’T GREAT. Now, go cry to mommy.

 

3. Critics’ opinions are SUBJECTIVE

Believe it or not, movie critics do not conduct 200 hours of scientific experiments before coming to a conclusion on whether or not a movie is good, bad or mediocre. We just watch the movie, go home, type whatever shit that comes to mind, then hit publish. Admittedly, we probably have more film knowledge than the average joe. After all, we do spend day and night watching and researching movies. But, reviews do not function to tell you whether or not you should or shouldn’t like a movie, but rather an article/video/podcast to take you on a journey through the reviewer’s thought process. By reading, watching or listening to reviews, you’ll understand what the reviewer liked about the movie and what the reviewer didn’t like about the movie.

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You can disagree with movie reviews you know, except mine of course, as I’m a part-time writer, part-time psychic, part-time intellectual saviour of the masses, full time one-tenth of Batman’s face.

 

4. Fuck Rotten Tomatoes

Rotten Tomatoes have completely ruined the artistic value of film criticism. A movie review, just like a movie or a piece of painting, is art. It’s meant to be experienced from start till end. Rotten Tomatoes, sucks the art out of it, takes the subjectivity out of it, and objectifies it by turning it into a numbers game. To make matters worse, the system is flawed at its very core. Allow me to scale it down and put things into perspective.

MOVIE A: Three reviewers give it an 8/10; Seven reviewers give it a 5.5/10.

MOVIE B: Three reviewers give it a 1/10; Seven reviewers give it a 6/10.

Purely based on the numbers, which of the above sounds like a better movie? According to my large sample space (a whopping three people, that is) MOVIE A sounds better. But convert that into a Rotten Tomatoes scale, MOVIE A would score a 30% (Rotten), while MOVIE B a 70% (Fresh). Doesn’t make sense? Yeah, no shit.

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Also, it’s important to note how on Rotten Tomatoes, different movies have different numbers of reviewers and DIFFERENT PEOPLE reviewing it. Batman v Superman (28%) has 318 reviews, The Room AKA one of the worst pieces of trash in human history scored 35%. Now, at first glance you might think, “Hey! Batman v Superman is worse than The Room????” Here’s the thing: The Room only has 20 reviews accumulated on Rotten Tomatoes.

You see how Rotten Tomatoes is flawed? Reviews are awesome, guys! Find a reviewer that you enjoy reading/watching/listening to, check out his/her reviews from start till end, and experience the art.

 

5. There’s a distinct difference between WRITERS and DIRECTORS

People are begging for Zack Snyder to be fired. Two words: Fucking dipshits.

Stop shoving the blame up Snyder’s ass. What are your issues with the film? Is it:

A) The painting?

B) The narrative?

If your answer is B, then slap your own face three times, cause that shit has got nothing to do with Snyder. Snyder painted a beautiful picture based on a shitty SCRIPT.

Check out Batman v Superman on IMDb. Click “Writers.” Do you see Snyder’s name in that section? No? Ok. Give yourself another three slaps, this time, knock your teeth out for good measure.

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Some directors write their own script – Nolan, Tarantino, David Ayer. A lot of directors, including Zack Synder, don’t. In the satirical opening credits of Deadpool, it reads, “Screenplay by: Real Heroes Here.” This is not just funny, but also very true. A testament to how underrated scriptwriters are. Most people’s biggest complaint about Batman v Superman is its incohesive, muddled storyline, while praising the phenomenal action sequences and visuals. Wanna know what happens if you remove Zack Synder from Batman v Superman? You’re left with a muddled narrative and NO phenomenal visuals. Hate the muddled narrative? Blame Goyer and Terrio. Every good movie that’s not named Mad Max begins with a good script. If your script fails, it doesn’t matter who the director is, the movie will crumble.

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