This article contains spoilers! Proceed with caution. 

Every now and then, a movie comes along that makes you wonder if you were the hybrid of Mother Theresa and Gandhi in your past life. Because, what kinda saint could you have been to be blessed with such a piece of fine art in this lifetime? Suicide Squad is not one such movie, unfortunately. But, it damn well should have been.

This isn’t to say that Suicide Squad is a bad movie; it most certainly isn’t. In fact, in my Suicide Squad review (click to save a dying hobo), I gave it my 3rd highest rating – a decision that wasn’t easy to make. Mind you, I had to go through two sleepless nights, endure 73 nightmares, take coffee showers, and swim in a pool of Redbull mixed with dozens of melted Energizer batteries before I could finally slap a rating on that shit.

At the end of the day, it boiled down to this: While I thought Suicide Squad was a fun, swagger-filled, decent movie, it is still just that: Decent. And I still walked out feeling a little disappointed. Suicide Squad shouldn’t be decent. Fuck that. Suicide Squad should have been THE BEST DAMN COMIC BOOK MOVIE EVER MADE!

This is the part of the article where I, the almighty Dashran AKA Dedpewl, talk about ifs and buts. Just silly things film critics do. Without further ado…

Here are 5 moronic decisions that prevent Suicide Squad from being THE BEST DAMN COMIC BOOK MOVIE EVER!

 

5) PG-13 is a sell-out move

Let’s start with the basics.

There is only one reason why this movie is PG-13: Money. And that itself tells you everything you need to know about Suicide Squad. With all the talk about being FRESH LIKE DEADPOOL and BETTER THAN GUARDIANS, the reality is, it’s just business as usual at DCEU.

A lot of times, this movie feels like driving while stepping on the accelerator and brakes at the same time. This movie did push the boundaries of PG-13, I’d give it that. You do hear words like “bitch” and “pussy” sporadically scattered throughout the movie. And it’s fine-ish. But c’mon, this movie should be rated 18, given the nature of these characters. Deadshot is the kinda guy who would turn to Captain Boomerang and say, “Man, shut the fuck up!” Also, wouldn’t it have been way cooler if, instead of fighting faceless alien robots, the Suicide Squad actually took on human zombies with black blood splattering all over, like The Walking Dead on steroids?

I’m not the kind to think every movie should be rated 18. We don’t need Batman v Superman, Justice League, Wonder Woman, Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America: Civil War and the likes to be rated 18. But Suicide Squad would have definitely benefited from some hyper-violence, swear words and a Margot Robbie solo masturbation scene. You want ground-breaking, not ground small-cracking.

 

4) Crappy villain, worse climax

Photo via: MoviePilot

Photo via: MoviePilot

Oh what a fucking tragedy. Eat shit David Ayer. Nothing you say in interviews from now till the day you die will ever cause me to forgive you for this abomination towards humanity. Not even a thousand apology letters neatly packaged with Harley Quinn’s wet panties. Yes, I’m serious. If you tell me it’s because the Warner Bros. higher ups held your kids at gun point, forcing you to conjure up such a tragic climax scene, then I’ll flash you two middle fingers, my middle toes and my awesome iron penis, and say, “Fuck you! You should have sacrificed your kids because this is BULLSHIT.”

Is this is the best you could come up with, Ayer? Who did you get your tips from? Josh Trank? Enchantress is a villain who is bad because she is bad because she has to be bad because the movie requires a villain. She stands around a noob-ass CGI beam of light that shoots towards the sky for no fucking reason with her loser Godzilla brother, and says shit like, “Humans,” “World Domination,” “Destroy,” “Cara Delevingne Mr Skin.” Okay, fine maybe the last one is just my mind drifting away imagining Enchantress in the nude than actually giving a crap about what she has to say.

The climax is more or less a mashup of the climax of Fantastic Four, X-Men: Apocalypse and Michael Bay’s wet dreams. In other words, take a bucket of multi-coloured paint and splash it on the wall.

Why couldn’t The Joker be the villain? It would have been way more interesting to see this Godfather-esque version of The Joker and his team of gangbangers in ridiculous costumes take on Task Force-X AKA The Suicide Squad. The interaction between the two sides alone would be intriguing. Plus, it leaves the door open for different scenarios to play out. Would Harley Quinn betray The Joker because there’s a bomb in her head? Would Joker just kill off Harley Quinn because she’s dancing for the other team?

Nope. Light beam. Boom. World Domination. Godzilla. Bang. Slow mo. Explosions.

 

3) Wrongly written characters

Photo via: TMDb

Photo via: TMDb

This is something that I didn’t address in my review, quite possibly because I was still masturbating for two days straight, mesmerized by Jared Leto’s performance as The Joker. I think it’s easy to miss a fundamental issue with every member of the Suicide Squad because of how brilliant the actors portraying these characters performed.

However, the characters themselves are poorly wrongly written? This is something that the more I think about, the more it feels like being kicked in the nuts, repeatedly. Every single character in Suicide Squad feels like a variation of Deadpool. Although nonsense like “worst of the worst” and “bad guys” are constantly thrown around, these guys feel more like people you’d grab a drink and play pool with, than actual villains.

Deadpool is an anti-hero. He’s a good guy at heart, who so happens to be a motor-mouthed douchebag who doesn’t really give a crap about following the rules. Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, Captain Boomerang, Deadshot and El-Diablo aren’t Deadpool, or at least, they’re not supposed to be. These guys are supposed to be horrible, vile, heartless, irredeemable sampah masyarakat, who have tortured, murdered and terrorized cities for years. Regular law enforcement officers couldn’t stop them, so vigilantes like Batman, Flash and other DC heroes had to step in. Harley isn’t supposed to develop a close knit friendship with Deadshot and Deadshot isn’t supposed to say “I don’t kill women and children.” It doesn’t make sense.

Photo via: Inverse

Photo via: Inverse

I know, the intention was for us, members of the audience, to actually feel and understand these characters. However, feeling and understanding them is completely different from rooting for them. How many of you guys have watched the first season of Daredevil on Netflix? Watching that show, you understand Wilson Fisk’s point of view and because of his backstory, you understand why he is the way he is. Sometimes, you feel sad for the character, BUT, not once do you root for him. And at the end of the day, you still want that son of a bitch to burn in the deepest depths of hell.

That is how the characters in Suicide Squad should have been written.

Also, a friend of mine (who happens to be a huge comic book fan) pointed out that there is no way in hell The Joker would get tattoos. Which got me thinking, can you imagine someone like The Joker actually walking into a tattoo parlour, with papers of designs, and telling the tattoo artist, “Hey, can I have the word damaged tattooed on my forehead?” before proceeding to lie down and get inked?

 

2) The hot, rock star couple

Photo via: WIRED

Photo via: WIRED

Minus the mass murders, the pairing of Joker and Harley in the moive is pretty much like if Jared Leto in his 30 Seconds to Mars form was dating Gwen Stefani. Hot, psycho rock stars, madly in love with each other. And you have hormonal teenagers clamouring for a relationship very much like Harley and Joker’s. The movie, of course, plays this up, with Joker swooping in one last time, right at the end, to rescue his baby girl.

But perhaps this is one area where Ayer should have opted to follow the roots of Harley’s character in the 90s animated series instead of the modern comics. Harley Quinn, formerly Dr Harleen Frances Quinzel, was The Joker’s psychiatrist in Arkham Asylum. This part, the movie shows you. Manipulated by The Joker, Dr Quinzel slowly but surely falls in love with The Joker. This part also, the movie shows you. Then the movie sorta skips past the details and now they’re the hot rock star couple.

But what the movie doesn’t explore, not explicitly anyway, is how messed up the relationship between Harley Quinn and The Joker really is. Think about it, Harley is actually a victim of Stockholm syndrome, manipulated and kept as a pet, no, a slave, by The Joker. In the 90s animated series, Joker doesn’t love Harley – he’s incapable of love. He treats her like a piece of meat and constantly abuses her. This means that when they have sex, it’s technically RAPE. But while all this is happening, Harley genuinely believes that The Joker is doing all of it out of love. Because she is traumatised. Because what Reek is to Ramsay Bolton, Harley is to The Joker.

Imagine if Suicide Squad showed us all of the above through flashbacks, and then in the present, we see Harley waiting to be rescued by her Puddin.

 

1) Too complex…?

Photo via: TMDb

Photo via: TMDb

As mentioned in my review, Ayer, while writing the script, probably banged an ugly 92-year-old hooker who puked on his penis and then proceeded to steal his wallet. Hence, he wrote some bullshit to punish the audience members for it. Ayer, you have some serious issues.

This movie is simple when it should have been complex (i.e. the writing of some of these characters and The Joker-Harley relationship) but complex when it should have been simple. Don’t get me wrong. When I say complex, I do not mean “Fight Club is about capitalism and being slaves to the system, NOT about hot men fighting” complex, but rather “how do I describe my diarrhea shit patterns to my doctor” complex.

Once Task Force-X assembles, they go on some stupid mission to find someone, solely because of plot convenience. You don’t know who the person is, but he/she is top priority stuff. Well, truth is, you already know who the person is because you can sniff that bullshit from a mile away. It’s just that David Ayer thinks he’s a genius. No you’re not Mr. Ayer. Fuck off. Anyway, you also don’t know why he/she is top priority stuff, but whatever.

Then they reveal who the person is after half an hour of action (which admittedly is pretty badass), and it’s as if David Ayer jumps out of the screen, slaps your face three times, and spits on your face. Plot twist my ass! What was the purpose of that? I. DON’T. GET. IT.

Just keep it simple.

Step 1: Assemble Task Force-X.

Step 2: Give Task Force-X a simple goal, like kill The Joker.

Step 3: NON-STOP batshit crazy action sequences + interesting dialogue.

Step 4: Harley Quinn solo masturbation scene.

DONE. BEST MOVIE EVER.

Photo via: TMDb

Photo via: TMDb

Fun Fact: Not only until a couple of months back (which includes the production period of Man of Steel, Batman v Superman and Suicide Squad) did DCEU have a Kevin Feige figure overseeing things. Now they do, in the form of Geoff Johns. Don’t know who he is? Just think of him as GOD of DC Comics. You know what this means? Fourth time’s the charm baby! Wonder Woman (written by Geoff Johns) is gonna be the best fucking movie on the planet!

Oh great. Looks like I’ve just set myself up for disappointment again.