This article most definitely contains SPOILERS! Though if you’ve not watched this movie, you probably need 10 slaps across your face for not keeping your priorities in check.

I don’t know whose or how many dicks Mr. Reynolds had to suck to get the studio’s approval to begin production of Deadpool, but I’m sure he has absolutely no regrets. This ingenious artistic piece of shit has already grossed more than 600mil USD worldwide. For those of you who aren’t really familiar with movies’ box office gross in general, allow me to put things into perspective: 600mil USD is worth more than your girlfriend’s life. An amount that makes all the dick sucking in the world worth it (especially considering Deadpool only had a 58mil USD budget).

 

 

It isn’t just about the money though. Deadpool is also mostly a huge hit with the critics, including yours truly. This is my brutally honest, unbiased, extremely critical observation of the movie (taken from my Deadpool review): If Quentin Tarantino, George Miller and Edgar Wright had a threesome for eight hours and for whatever reason one of them gets pregnant, has a kid that grows up to be a supermodel and that supermodel masturbates on a rainbow, the mixture of the supermodel’s vaginal juices and the rainbow’s residue would be this Deadpool movie.

Photo via: NPR

Photo via: NPR

HOWEVER, there are some knuckle headed dipshits out there who actually find this movie HORRIBLE. I know, I know, you think these people should be castrated and stoned to death. I couldn’t agree more. But before that, let’s criticize these criticisms!

 

1) It’s too flashback heavy!

I have to admit, I can’t really disagree with this one too much. I’ll quote my review once again.

One. What plot? Two. Who cares? There are two crazy ass action scenes, one at the start and one at the end, and in between that are some stuff.

Is it lazy writing though? Nope. Just like the first Iron Man and Batman Begins, Deadpool is pretty much an origin story. It just so happens to be an origin story not told in chronological order.

 

2) Substanceless plot, cliché romance… LAZY WRITING!

Here’s what them knuckle headed dipshits are saying: “When you take away the hilarious gags and insane action, Deadpool is, at its core, a rather formulaic superhero movie.” Well, no shit Sherlock. That’s like saying, “When you take away the over the top acting and fantastic dialogue, Kill Bill is just your average revenge movie.” Which is totally fucking dumb. You can’t take away what makes the movie great and say it’s not great.

There is absolutely nothing lazy about the Deadpool script. It is a work of sheer genius from the opening title sequence till the post credits scene. I’m almost certain it isn’t gonna get the recognition it deserves from The Academy, but c’mon, give Deadpool a freaking Best Adapted Screenplay nomination.

Also, this is undoubtedly one of the best romance angles in a comic book movie thus far since Bruce and Rachel. How is this cliché? How many comic book superheroes end up marrying a hooker?

Photo via: Digital Spy

Photo via: Digital Spy

Fine, in the end, it still follows the tired damsel in distress formula. But, two important things. One. That’s the whole point. This movie makes fun of that concept. How is Deadpool making a heart shape with his hands while cartoon unicorns bounce around him not the most creative thing you’ve ever seen? Two. Her tits are amazing. Let’s not fool ourselves with all these complaints.

 

3) Terrible Villain

Most comic book movies, especially from the MCU side of things, have had sorry ass villains thus far. YellowSomething from Ant-Man, Justin Handjob from Iron Man 2, The Alien-with-a-hoodie in GOTG and Pussytron from Avengers: Age of Sellout. And who can forget Fox’s version of Dr. Doom in last year’s masterclass, shouldhavewonanOscar Fuckstastic 4? All these villains have one thing in common…

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To the uninitiated, Deadpool’s Ajax is exactly the same as the aforementioned layer-less villains. But we are the initiated, aren’t we guys? Ajax isn’t a poorly written character, rather purposely written in that manner as a jab at the trend of horrible villains in comic book movies. Seriously guys, his name is fucking AJAX! That’s top notch humour already.

Addressing him as “a British villain” in the opening credits sequence takes it to a whole nother level. Is Ajax layer-less? Of course he is. What are his motivations besides wanting Deadpool to say his name? I have no idea. But it doesn’t matter because it’s packaged in such an entertaining satirical way. He’s no Heath Ledger’s Joker but Ajax works perfectly within the confines of the Deadpool world.

 

Bonus Criticism: It’s not suitable for kids.

I’ll let the picture do the talking:

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